Dear Single Mom,
I decide to talk about this subject because we all know so well that after a long heavy day at work or school & rush home, picking up your kids, feed them, help them with homeworks, bath time, and sometimes cook for the next day.
You are so exhausted by now & have no energy left for anything else... & with 5 hours of sleep (if we are lucky enough!), then we are ready to fight the next day...
We wonder ourselves if this will ever end or this is it for us?
We're looking at our co-workers having work for a happy hour drink...
We're looking at our neighbors to see how happy they are with their children, & we know that this is her second marriage...
We're looking at our how lucky she is to have a husband who adores her dearly & takes good care of their children... & he even helps out with chores at home... That's our cousin family...
& wonder how we get here and wonder will we ever going to get out of it????
Tears rolling down to our face & we don't bother to wipe it... what for? Its kind of feel good once we cry like that.. it hurts but so what... Nobody cares... Simply no one cares....
The car broke down & it's going to cost $300, where do we find that $300 EXTRA money when we live paycheck to paycheck...
& at night we wonder, how comes life can be so unfair....
We wonder if we will ever have a chance to meet someone that actually cares about us & our children... If we ever fall in love again... or if we ever HAVE anytime left to fall in love again... If we ever going to re-marry & have a real home like others... If we are ever going to get out of this & better our children life.... If we ever be able to take our kids to a real vacation like their friends did.....
Then we blame ourselves for the mistakes we have made..
We're drifting to sleep for 3 hours & then the alarm goes off....
We hurry out of bed, get the kids & just another day...
Another exhausted day that seems to have no future..
I'm sure if you have read this far, you know exactly what I mean & I'm sure some of you have been through this before....
I brought this up because YOU ARE NOT ALONE... All single moms are going through this... & I want to remind you all that we are fighters... We will fight for our children till the end... We are strong & we will continue to be strong for our chidlren...
We need to change the way we think about things... Instead of think about what we don't have or how unlucky our life have been.. Think of how blessing that we have our beautiful children... How blessing we are that they are healthy... How blessing we are to come home from work & see their beautiful smiles.... How blessing we are that WE ARE NOT ALONE.. We have them in our life & because of this, we will make it through with them.
So to us all, take a deep breath, think of the good things that our wonderful children have to offer us... Think of their smiles.. Think of the moment they run over & give us a big hug & kisses.... Will you trade that for anything else?
Probably NOT....
So to us all out there.. Have a fabulous day today.. & when you are going to bed, instead of how exhausted you are, think of the little one that just give you a big smile & a big kiss good nite... & you will know that deep down in your heart that it's really NOT a bad day after all.
Love always to all single moms out there.
Amanda
Los Angeles
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40 comments:
I am so insulted by this post as a single mom. Yes the struggle can be difficult and exhausting but I know some married Stay at Home moms who endure many of the same struggles.
How dare you attempt to represent single moms in a view that makes it seem like being a sinlge mom is the most awful, pitiful thing in the world and all we do is envy couples. You even refer to finally finding a husband as making our families, "real". Well, are we not REAL families if we do not have a husband?
I struggle but i perservere. Considering many of the other issues that married couples deal with at times, I am relieved to be able to do things on my own!
Being a SINGLE mother is not shamely or anything that i am not content with. Keep in mind that many of us are SINGLE MOMS by choice
For me that helped - just hearing and being reminded that I am blessed because it could be worse.
I've been sick all week and yet still shoving off to work each day full well knowing that this weekend I'll be exhausted. But last night when my son kissed me good night and said "Mom I hope you feel better tomorrow" - I just melted.
I didn't take what you said out of text... I think you were just trying to remind us that we are blessed just like everyone else.
Thank you
Michelle - St Louis
j.parker you seem very upset and defensive. I don't think that post was at all a pitiful representation but a testimony of this single moms perspective. You would be heard better through positive feedback vs. an attack of her dialogue. We all express ourselves in our own ways and while her's is very intimate, I find yours to be aggressive. Your view of some of our choices to be single moms is unnecessary! Every single mom makes that choice because whether by widowhood, abondnment or seperation of the father we chose to see our childrens lives through. Regardless of father involvement we mom's could have high tailed it just as easily. Be careful not to be steriotypical through force and stay positive through identifying, reflective qualities are not over rated they are pro-active and inspiring. Love:Independant and Proud
Your right, being a single mom can be exhausting. I believe it's the toughest job I have. It's been quite a struggle since I decided this is what I wanted. At first I had regrets and started to think I made a wrong decision. I come from a broken home and I told myself I wouldn't do that to my chidren. But, I realized, just because my children are being raised by me and me alone doesn't mean it's a broken home. Allowing my kids to live in a home with two parents that were clearly not getting along, now that was a broken home. I have my days where I break down and cry, but not because I'm miserable but, because I love my children so much. It's been a little over a year since I decided to become a single parent and I'm still learning. It has been a struggle for me and my babies, but I believe I've come out victorious. I wouldn't trade the exhaution or struggle of being my children's mother for the world.
As for having a love life, I'm still learning to love myself, let alone trying to love someone else besides my children.
Kudos to you on that post. I think it was great and am forwarding to to a single mom that I am in love with.
Yeah, what you said is true and I can see that in her. She feels so exhausted sometimes, juggling her job (of which she has a lot of responsibilities) while doing her best to meet the demands of her two daughters.
Me, I'd gladly accept the role to step into their lives and take care of her as well as her children as my own. But of course, from the trauma of her previous spouse I guess her kids aren't at all to happy seeing their mom with another guy. Not to mention that her family (sisters, etc.) are also quite against our relationship, probably thinking that I'm only gonna break her heart or make matters worse.
Anyway, I'm trying to hang on, to hold on to what we've got in the hopes that there would be a brighter tomorrow and that we may eventually have a future together.
Wish me luck! :)
Krista
Thank you for that post, I am in the same position and if feels good to know I am not alone. I cry every nite and I thouught giving my baby daddy money spoiling him would make him want ot be with me. But guess what I was wrong.
To 'Wish me luck"...,
You sound like a great guy and I really do hope that your single mom will see how special you are for taking the time to research and learn about her feelings and what she is going through! And, as for the 'sister's' and others...they WILL accept you when they see that their sister is happy...believe me, I speak from experience, so, hang in there..........best of luck to you!!!!
An ex-judgemental/nosy sister-n-law
to "wish me luck"
You seem to have everything ready & I'm sure you will make her happy. I wo wish you 2 all the best of luck ;-)
Thank you for your support & looking out for us ;-)
All the best,
Amanda
You are right, I'd like tog et back in school and finish my degree but it seems impossible? Any advice on going back to school?
I Think your comment was powerful. Do not take words that come from others to heart, they do not live your life or walk in your shoes. I cried when I read your post because for every woman your comments do not represent there is some where in the world a single mother or single father that DOES IDENTIFY with your statement, living the same day to day life, pay check to pay check as you and many of us do... struggling, trying to make it work, trying to achieve the goal of raising healthy well balanced beautiful little ones, all while still striving to achieve career goals and maintaining your own identity as a person.. All for the sake of family. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST.
Thank you Kahana. Your comment makes me & I'm sure many of us feel stronger. With your understanding & open mindedness, you see pass what is actually was written here.
Thank you & I hope & wish the best for you & your children.
Cheers to all of the single Moms. Taking care of our families is not easy but we are doing it. I have been a single Mom for many years to my 2 daughters. I understand the financial struggles, the weight of carrying it all, and the day to day challenges of running a household. Let's support each other, change our perspective, and create that life that we want for ourselves and our children. We may be doing it solo but that does not mean that we are less effective in our pursuit. Keep your chin up and let's do this! Luv to all . . .
Thank you for this post. You have mirrored my life completely. As for J. Parker perhaps you jumped to the wrong conclusion. I am glad you could not identify with the post because it hurts a lot to see your life in black in white before your eyes. I am hard working single mom and I struggle day to day and I cry almost every day for my son. I am scared to death that I may not be able to give him all that he needs in life. I feel that the government should bem doing more to help us so that our lives don't have to be a constant struggle. Help us with some kind of financal support. Right now it feels as though we are punished because we work.
I was touched by your post. I am new to this forum. I am divorcing and am solely responsible for my child (abusive husband and father). I want to assure you that what you may see as the blissful existence of your neighbords and friends may be the furthest from reality. Some folks are very good (like me) at keeping up a good face to the world outside. Many of my friends, relatives, and co-workers had no inkling of what a hell I was living (some still have no clue). Point is, life is generally not "greener" on the other side of the street. We have to find joy in what is working well in our lives. Sometimes it's a lot better to be a single mom than living in a married hell.
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I understand all of what you are saying. I am with the father of my kids, but I am still a single mother. I have two beautiful kids. They are my world and of course they get on my nerves at time, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
He never seems to want to come home to me and the kids, he will stay late at work and say when he gets home he will help, but by then I have already bathed both kids, gave them dinner, play with them, started dinner, did dishes and continuing with the laundry. So what can he help me with, plus I am in school, after the kids are in bed, then I do school work..
He is verbally abusing with my son and sometimes my daughter. But mostly my son and he calls him names, so by choice I want to be a single mom, because I already am. Just can't afford it, so I sit unhappy because I can't afford to get out...
Touche' Melinda. I agree, that comment was a bit harsh. You know this is my first time here and as I read the the "Single Mom - exhausted from everything..." tears ran down my face. Not only due to the fact that I am in the same scenerio, but she helped me realize that I am truly BLESSED because I have a beautiful little girl who hugs me every night and asks me to say our prayers together before she goes to sleep. Every now and then, for me, I need to vent a bit. Say it aloud. And I am so thankful for her post. She did it for me.
I'm 4 months new to being a single mom, and I thank you for your output. I feel like no one understands how diffecult it can get at times.
Amanda - Thank you so much for your post ! It helps tremendously to know I am not alone. jparker is apparently not a "single mom". Only those who are can truly understand. I have NO family, NO babysitters, NO boyfriends (or girlfriends), no CHILD Support, to help whatsoever. My son is 6 years old, has ADHD and behavioral issues. He is in a special school, I CANNOT FIND an afterschool care that will take him. How can we support ourselves and our children PLUS pay for CHILD CARE (which is like an additional monthly rent payment). Plus, how can we hold a job- we are the end ALL for our kids when they get sick, have meetings, sports events, and dont forget the 28 days school is closed during the year! It literally is impossible. Us real single moms need to stick together and support each other. Im sorry, but Murphy Browns don't even come close in comparison.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. It is harsh when we critize someones feelings when they are opening up and feeling vulerable. Everyone has a different experince and situation. But it hurts me that we can not reach out to one another. Support through each other. I chose to be a single parent, and MY god there are times when it is the lonelist planet. As woman we are so quick to judge. Reality is we need each other in whatever walks of life we come from or what true feelings we have.
So Negativity is not an option because the only people that suffer through ridcule and judgemnt is the children. I am trying hard to get a support group in my area because I am tired of the judgement, loneliness, and want to prosper and grow for our children. yes damn it takes village!!!!
Dear Amanda,
I applaud you for you honesty and bravery in posting your comments!! You laid it all out there and you told it exactly how it is for single moms -- at least at one time or another. You were able to put into words what most single parents keep to themselves - either because they don't think anyone else really cares (and sometimes, they don't) or they think it is weak to admit to such feelings!! I think honesty will set you free -- if you can't be honest with yourself, you can't move forward in your life!
Thanks for supporting all single moms through you willingness to bare your soul! Best wishes to you and yours!
I can understand loving your children. In my case, as a man I also have a wife of 33years. To support them I have had to work away from home, including two years in Iraq. Like a lot of you I'll do anything for my family. I have finally found a way to support them by staying home and have a nice retirement too. Look at this website: wwww.freedom.ws/flameout This will help you and give you a chance to help others. Contact Info. is in the website. Hang in there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I have huge respect for each single woman and particular for a single mum. I have seen some of my clients raising a child on their own. Oh boy, what self-discipline all of you have.
I was always happy, when I trained single mums at home, to watch their child at the same time while I give them workout instruction, to lose the weight after child birth and toning up.
Many times I heard, even how difficult it was to get going, working out at home made a difference. Even if their was just little time, many have used my home workout dvd to stay on track with their program. Don't think you will be more tiered. You will have more energy while toning and shaping your body.
To all single mum's: "You can do it! And don't forget to take care of yourself as well".
Warmest regards,
StefanAschan.com
I could totally relate to the post about single moms. There have been days I felt like that. Ashamed, envied other couples raising their children together, cried many nights blaming myself for this mistake I did to my son. Then on other days like you said we are blessed.our children our a blessing!! I wouldn't give him back even if I could!!!
The orginal brought tears to my eyes. I'm a new single mom, and that descibes my life on a daily basis. Its really nice to know that someone understands. Thanks.
It is the end of September, and by God's grace my son and I are still in our home. I have been a single mom for 15 years.
Amanda/LA comment made me cry, as she hit the target.
My son was born the 29th of December, 1992, and after realizing I had been dating a boy in a man's body(we were both in our late 20's) who had no goals for the future, (today he is still happy to be bouncing from house to house, without a steady job, with his creepy friends, at 47!) I had tried to end the nowhere relationship and surprise! I'm pregnant. That is a year of another story, remember if their not into you, being pregnant WILL NOT make them come around. Cut your losses and move on.
In, '96 I moved home to Texas, my son was 3, and was forced by his separation atty to take my son to NM for visits every 8 weeks, 1000 mile round trip, for three years. I spent the early years of my singleness ('96-'00) striving to keep paid the house rent, car and day care, the three most important needs. In that time I dealt with many landlords who didn't care, a repo of my car, followed up with a bankruptcy to get it back. I made the most of our states welfare and WIC programs, and after job jumping for years finally landed a career as an advertising rep for a local community paper. (Advice: get a good education asap, get as many licenses as you can; insurance, real estate, etc. get a degree. If your man tries to talk you out of it, lose him. After he is gone, you'll need them to make it.) I still struggled and worked hard, fighting with daycare payments (WARNING: $500+/mo in the summer), car troubles, etc. (Advice: start an emergency fund) At my 5th year with my job I bought a newer vehicle and two years later bought a home, even with a past bankruptcy, and not a dime of child support. By the way, the enforcement of child support is a joke, so don't count on it.
In 2006 I was happy to be making the money I'd worked so hard to get to. Then the bottom fell out, our company was involved in a hostile takeover. The Hearst Corp. decided that our little community papers were hurting them in south Texas, so they bought us and by January '07 we were seeing the lies and the paycuts, in March after a $2000 month cut to my commissions I had to leave due to merging with the Express-News Newspaper and my position was eliminated. Just like that.
I have spent the last six months starting over. I have fought off depression, and will continue to push thoughts of giving up out of my mind. I have learned to trust in my Savior Jesus Christ more than ever and know He is my husband and my provider.
I seem to hear alot of comments from friends that are married, male mentors for my son, and christian organizations who help me, that I need to meet a man and get married. Don't they get it, the men today are busy going around the world, riding their motorcycles, bragging about their exciting life and are looking for that ditzy chick who will let him continue to be "no strings attached".
I have to keep on, I have a smart, well mannered and fun son, he will be 15 in December. He is in his first year of high school and I have worked hard to give him "good" memories. That is something you single mom's need to protect, that child will grow up and will have memories of his childhood. Eliminate all violence, especially if it's in their face. If there is drug/alcohol use, get them away from it, you could lose your child either to the state or they will be exposed to it for future use.
Find safe mentors for your son, if your a mom; same for a daughter, if your a father. Your child needs that interaction. I have had my son involved in a christian hunting/fishing group for 4-5 yrs. I could never have taught him or allowed him to get so muddy/bloody and gross. He loved it and is now an apprentice/guide for other younger boys and girls who want to learn to hunt. All without the usual male cussing, beer in the hands and porno in the deer blind.
As single parents, it is our sole responsibility to society to raise our kids to be contributors not takers. We see enough of what happens when kids are left on their own, please for their sake give them boundaries (they want them), hug them every chance you get (even if they smell funny) you never know when will be your last chance. Tell them you love them, and you are happy their yours. Make them feel wanted, we all hurt when we feel unloved. Don't sweat the small stuff, teach them the big words you use, don't expect them to know what you mean.
And, finally never, NEVER hit them in anger. If you find yourself loosing it, take a break, find someone who will let you have time to yourself, your mom, neighbor, someone you trust. Keep them safe, remember they will have to care for you when your old.
Well I need to get on with my Saturday and go to work.
God bless all parents who have to bear the task of two adults. Come to know Jesus, read His word, Psalms is a good start. Read Proverbs to your kids, to teach them the consequences of their actions, take them to Sunday School, and smile, you have been given a gift to bless your life.
Continuing for the Kingdom, Sheila
I'm a new single mom-to-be. I’m nineteen years old and I'm three months pregnant. I work full time and I'm also a full time college student. As I read your stories tears fell down my eyes. It wasn't because of the fact that you all are doing everything on your own, living very fast paced lives, and raising children all at the same time. It was because of how strong you all are, and I wonder if I could ever have the strength to do the things you all do. I'm deeply inspired by all of you.
Nice post. However you obviously have young children. I am a single mom of a pre-teen and a teenager so the love and hugs are few and far between. Yesterday my kids said they liked it better when Dad lived with us. It has been 5 years and they dont remember the fights, or thier Dads drinking and passing out, or being w/o a vechicle because Dad crashed it again!!
However, I will hang on to the hope that I am doing the best I can and it will make a difference. Hopefully there will be time in the future for boyfrinds, heck ANY friends, hobbies and good nights sleep.
I just found out about this blog! I do a lot of grant research and came upon this blog from another site.
I hope that there are more entries added and I'm looking forward to reading them.
As a single mom, to live pay check to check is horrible. It seems something always goes wrong (car breaks,fridge goes out,etc)Is there really anyone out there to help. No. The government would be happy if we all sat on welfare , having kid after kid. (that is not for me)I have always worked and supported me, my daughter and my mom who has had a stroke. My daughter and I get health care thru my employer. (not the state)I would like to move back to CT to be near family and friends, but it seems impossible. Everything goes up except our pay. I am getting more depressed each day because I cannot be near my family in CT. At least I would have some help there.I do not want to live in a horrible neighborhood because thats all I can afford. I need a break and am patiently waiting for one.
I really liked the honesty of the post and it reflected the way I used to feel when I became a single mom. I have learned to enjoy my life and my role as a single mom, and also come to see that whether single or married, the grasser is not greener on the other side. I have learned to be happy in all situations, to make better decisions, to let go of the past and embrace the future. The question to ask ourselves now is "how do we have our cake and eat it too?" Is it possible for us to work, earn a living and have time for our children? I believe the answer is yes, and I'm striving for that answer. I'll keep you posted on the results.
I am scared and feel very vulnerable going into this divorse. I see such a painful and lonely path ahead. Could anyone give me advice on the pros and cons of joint vs sole custody in my favor?
I am new at this and need to do what is right for my kids.
Allison
Well, I was more touched with the post by Sheila in Texas because it hit home. My son was also born on Dec. 29, but he is two years older. His dad is also very immature. He was deported eight years ago and I cannot get any child support because he was stupid and our government does not think of the consequences that deportation has on American born children. My son has absolutely no role male role model. He was in a program that gave him a "big brother" and actually had two, but they were young and yuppie and decided to exit his life just after he began to trust them.
Then, I can't seem to recover financially and I don't do any bad things. I have no illegal habits, never did and only work constantly to pay bills. I obtained a master degree and put my kids in a private school because I don't want them ending up like these male family members they are blood related to. I received all A's, but for what? To be teaching in a college, providing an invaluable service to primarily low income Hispanic students while all faculty at this college can honestly say we are the lowest paid instructors in the country. So from my 32k a year, I am paying 16k in Catholic schools and owe 80k in student loans while I look forward to increasing that another 16k next year. I work side jobs, on the average about 50 per week and I am trying to increase that number, but I wind up not having time for anything.
The loser dad knows he can't give me any money, but he won't even talk to his kids. The loser grandfather never calls and only once gave them $2 each in Canadian dollars as I guess what he considered a souvenier. Yet, his stepson shot up a bunch of people in a Canadian nightclub and he paid for his lawyer, big bucks too. The loser uncle started speaking to my son after spending years in jail, yet deserted him about a month after he got home. He chose his friends and women over my son. These are three reasons I must make these sacrifices for my childrens education because I don't want them ending up like these losers.
I really try to think positive and know that I am blessed compared to most people in the world, but at the same time, I feel so sad, alone and helpless. I wish my kids could have better.
My heart goes out to all of you. I am a single mom and raised my children alone for 15 years coping not only with them but their drug addicted father who dropped in and out to create chaos and havoc in our lives. He also had plenty of money to fund lawyers and cost me plenty.
My kids are grown now -- one in grad school and one in college. Both are doing very well. WE are a family - their dad missed the greatest thing in life - raising them. I'm stronger than I ever thought I was and they are the proof.
It was very hard at times. I felt terribly lonely, depressed and horribly stressed. But I took care of myself as best I could so I could take care of them. I've been amply rewarded not only with them, but with wisdom, grace and the deep sense of having lived a worthwhile life.
It's not easy but then, most of the best things in life aren't. Soldier on, ladies. It's not right nor fair that you're having to raise kids alone, but you're doing it anyway. The world is lucky to have us!
Your words took my breath away. I was in a relationship for 10 years and have been out 4....I'm relocating to another state and would like to say your word gave me more determanation!
Some of us need to be reminded we are not the only moms feeling overwhelmed. Comparing a single mom to a stay at home mom is not practical. I have been both and can tell you that I would rather be a stay at home mom any day. I think it is important to consider that many single moms get no help from anyone and that is an overwhelming responsibility. We need to hear from each other that we are not alone and it is ok to feel the way you feel. Guilt needs comfort
I cry almost every day about all my problems.My daughter.Would like to take a trip to orlando,To one of the theme parks.I have to explain to her.Why i don't have the money.For the trip.
Please,Pray for me and my childern.We need all the prayer we can get.Life is so hard.I need a better car.Amd a job.
I am so tired of not having enough money,To pay for my bills.I wish that i had 5000 dollars.If i had that type of money.It would help me out alot.It's sad to be poor.Every time i am bless with money.I always try to do the right thing with it.I really don't want to be rich.just to have over enough to pay my bills.
good-bye.I will just sit and cry some more.
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